Monday, March 3, 2014

It's Alive!

... Or is it?
Remember me? I've been gone for a month without an explanation, and for that I'm very sorry. I owe a lot of people reviews. For some I've actually read the books, for some I just couldn't get around to it.
Why have I been gone? There are a lot of reasons and quite a few excuses. The main reason is that I'm not by nature a very energetic person. Especially lately, I've been fatigued and unmotivated and have a hard time making myself do anything apart from the really necessary, like dragging myself to work. That makes me feel unproductive, which in turn frustrates me and sends me spiralling even more. I just somehow don't... feel real. I'm hiding from the future and denying myself the present.

I kind of feel like this turtle. Lots of efforts with not very promising results.

I'm also very, very worried about my MA thesis. I need to have it written in 2 months so I have another 2 weeks to revise before handing it in, and I haven't written a word yet. I've done a lot of research (reading for that rather than reading YA novels), I have notes, I have ideas... but I'm very scared of sitting down and really starting to write it. I have no idea how and where to start. I don't know how to order things and put them together. It's a big strain on me, obviously. I feel like if I do other things, especially if I write other things, I'm taking time away that could be spent writing on the thesis... even if I don't do it. Even if I play Assassin's Creed instead. Ugh -___-

I also haven't felt like turning on the computer at all. Sometimes I left it alone for almost a week and then had to deal with over 300 emails in the inbox. Yes, something is definitely wrong with me. But I just haven't felt up to dealing with stuff... with life.

Have I missed blogging?
Yes. I miss commenting on each others' posts. I miss learning about new books and checking my favorite blogs. I feel completely out of the loop. Very often in the morning, I'd resolve to write a post that day. Only then it didn't happen. After a while I felt so guilty I couldn't bear to even look at the blog or the stats or anything. I also haven't checked on any other blogs in this entire time - as I said, my computer was mostly off. I do want to return to at least checking out posts and commenting. I also want to start blogging again myself, but I don't know how often that can realistically be because now I REALLY need to crack down on that MA thesis. Really really.
Or else I won't graduate this summer, which I would see as a personal failure which would make me ashamed and just generally feel like shit about myself because I was a lazy bitch who couldn't get off her ass when it counted.
Yeah, as you guys can see I'm sick of myself.

But last night/today I came to point where I know things have to change. I just can't go on this way, hating myself/feeling sorry for myself and doing exactly nothing to change things. I have to stop the slacking. I have to become sharp again. I have to force my brain into the right channel and just get things done. How many of these things are blog-related, I really can't say. It sounds harsh, but I just can't make it a priority at this point. I don't have that luxury anymore. But I also don't want another month-long silence here.
I hope that if I start to reach out to other people again, I will feel better and more energetic and invigorated. I hope that by being in touch with the passion of others, I can rediscover my own.

This post has become rather personal and kinda depressing somehow, perhaps too personal. But I don't know, maybe someone can relate? Somehow it even made me feel a bit better just writing it all down for once. I guess we all go through stressful periods in our lives and I just have to suck it up. But if anyone has coping mechanisms they'd like to share - be my guest, the comment form calls to you! Again, I'm really sorry for the long silence and I hope that I can still write at least some of the reviews for the ARCs I got. Just... bear with me? For better or worse, by May 15th (MA thesis deadline) it will all be over and I'll be a free woman again.