Monday, March 3, 2014

It's Alive!

... Or is it?
Remember me? I've been gone for a month without an explanation, and for that I'm very sorry. I owe a lot of people reviews. For some I've actually read the books, for some I just couldn't get around to it.
Why have I been gone? There are a lot of reasons and quite a few excuses. The main reason is that I'm not by nature a very energetic person. Especially lately, I've been fatigued and unmotivated and have a hard time making myself do anything apart from the really necessary, like dragging myself to work. That makes me feel unproductive, which in turn frustrates me and sends me spiralling even more. I just somehow don't... feel real. I'm hiding from the future and denying myself the present.

I kind of feel like this turtle. Lots of efforts with not very promising results.

I'm also very, very worried about my MA thesis. I need to have it written in 2 months so I have another 2 weeks to revise before handing it in, and I haven't written a word yet. I've done a lot of research (reading for that rather than reading YA novels), I have notes, I have ideas... but I'm very scared of sitting down and really starting to write it. I have no idea how and where to start. I don't know how to order things and put them together. It's a big strain on me, obviously. I feel like if I do other things, especially if I write other things, I'm taking time away that could be spent writing on the thesis... even if I don't do it. Even if I play Assassin's Creed instead. Ugh -___-

I also haven't felt like turning on the computer at all. Sometimes I left it alone for almost a week and then had to deal with over 300 emails in the inbox. Yes, something is definitely wrong with me. But I just haven't felt up to dealing with stuff... with life.

Have I missed blogging?
Yes. I miss commenting on each others' posts. I miss learning about new books and checking my favorite blogs. I feel completely out of the loop. Very often in the morning, I'd resolve to write a post that day. Only then it didn't happen. After a while I felt so guilty I couldn't bear to even look at the blog or the stats or anything. I also haven't checked on any other blogs in this entire time - as I said, my computer was mostly off. I do want to return to at least checking out posts and commenting. I also want to start blogging again myself, but I don't know how often that can realistically be because now I REALLY need to crack down on that MA thesis. Really really.
Or else I won't graduate this summer, which I would see as a personal failure which would make me ashamed and just generally feel like shit about myself because I was a lazy bitch who couldn't get off her ass when it counted.
Yeah, as you guys can see I'm sick of myself.

But last night/today I came to point where I know things have to change. I just can't go on this way, hating myself/feeling sorry for myself and doing exactly nothing to change things. I have to stop the slacking. I have to become sharp again. I have to force my brain into the right channel and just get things done. How many of these things are blog-related, I really can't say. It sounds harsh, but I just can't make it a priority at this point. I don't have that luxury anymore. But I also don't want another month-long silence here.
I hope that if I start to reach out to other people again, I will feel better and more energetic and invigorated. I hope that by being in touch with the passion of others, I can rediscover my own.

This post has become rather personal and kinda depressing somehow, perhaps too personal. But I don't know, maybe someone can relate? Somehow it even made me feel a bit better just writing it all down for once. I guess we all go through stressful periods in our lives and I just have to suck it up. But if anyone has coping mechanisms they'd like to share - be my guest, the comment form calls to you! Again, I'm really sorry for the long silence and I hope that I can still write at least some of the reviews for the ARCs I got. Just... bear with me? For better or worse, by May 15th (MA thesis deadline) it will all be over and I'll be a free woman again.


  1. Aww...sorry you are going through such a rough time. But the stress is understandable. I'd tell you to try to relax, but I know that isn't helpful. So just do the best you can, and realize that it will all be over soon!

    1. Thanks for taking the time to comment, Kim :)
      Yeah, I've been doing rather too much relaxing and procrastinating the past few months >.< But yeah. For better or worse, in two months it'll be over.

  2. I know I took my time to read this, and that should tell you that I can totally relate to what you've written. I was in a non-blogging and non-reading phase last October, and I just so couldn't motivate myself to do anything. I've watched TV series all day...

    And about your MA thesis -- I am the same type of person, so instead of trying to get off your ass by yourself, find someone who also has to write and sit down with them. It doesn't matter that your thesis are totally unrelated, but just having someone there, maybe exchange a stupid curse every hour with the other will help you. It certainly helped me.

    I'm wishing you just the best, trying to send some super-energetic alpha waves from me your way, and I'm looking forward to having you back when all this is behind you.

    And I'm not worried that you wrote something kinda depressing, because a big stressing thing like that makes allof us act ooc and bitchy and miserable. I'm just looking forward to having your giddy old self back in the blogging com.

    Thus, have at it and don't worry about showing up. Get your RL done, because that's way more important!

    1. I wasn't watching series, but buying an Xbox360 in January definitely didn't do my MA thesis any favors >_<

      I've thought about writing 'with' someone, but I think that would just distract me more... besides, most of my friends are either not there yet or already past :/ It's just... I freeze up because I'm scared and then it's like my brain just empties of things to write. I really don't know if I can still do this but omg omg somehow I have to s__X

      But I'm so glad someone knows where I'm coming from! I can definitely use some of those alpha-waves! And god I can't wait for the end of April to come and hopefully bring this to a close so far that I only need to revise and do formal stuff and double-check the sources. I want to READ again and do other stuff without feeling somewhat guilty or nauseous with fear.

      I hope I can be back for real in two months!

  3. Awwww, I've missed reading about your life and reads but to be honest, I can completely get being generally unmotivated and fatigued! It sucks so I hope you'll feel better soon!

    Also worrying about studies / inadvertently procrastinating are both things I remember all too well. I ALWAYS used to wait till the very last minute to write up projects...and eventually my thesis. Gah! Very stressful times but I'm sure you'll pull through it marvelously - you're a wonderful writer!

    In any case, I hope you feel better! Sometimes you just need to disconnect from the virtual life and take a break! We'll all be here (and so will your blog) when you're up to return :) All the best hun xxx

    1. I'm usually horrible like that, but this! This is a huge project and I've never done anything like it and I also have to worry about my oral final and everything is just hanging in the balance and I'm basically waiting for something to give >.<
      It's my own damn fault though.

      Thanks for the wishes, girl :) I do try to feel better and more energetic. Maybe I can draw some energy from the spring sun :P But yeah, mostly I just need to give myself the boot already, there's nothing else for it...